So, like everyone else in the US that pays attention to/is amused by pop culture, I had a minor shock Monday when it was announced that Kim Kardashian was filing for divorce after 72 days of marriage. Now, to say I am deeply invested in her decision is not accurate. But it prompted me to think about some very serious issues surrounding weddings and marriage in our culture.
As a 26 year old woman in a serious, committed relationship bordering on 2 years, conversation inevitably turns to marriage. And I'm as guilty as anyone for bringing it up - it's definitely exciting to talk about when you feel like you've met the right person. However, this announcement yesterday got me thinking about what marriage means, especially marriage versus a wedding. A commitment versus a party.
A Wedding is Just a Party.
Now my close friends will laugh, knowing I've already thought through many details of the type of party - WEDDING - that I want to have. Guilty as charged! I know the details will be fun to plan.
But I started thinking about Kim Kardashian's story. Last fall, in 2010, her face was on the cover of People magazine with the caption "I thought I'd be married by now." I remembered thinking, how sad. Marriage is not a finish line... it's a benchmark, one of many in life. And it's not the only one that defines you. Then she started her whirlwind romance and wound up engaged 6 months later. I remember reading the article on her engagement... and thinking, this is all about the ring - this giant, over-the-top 20 carat diamond ring. It was all about her - her reaction, her surprise and shock, and her family celebrating her. The guy was just background filler - could have been anyone, really, as you were reading the article. Finally, her wedding magazine cover featured solely her - not her new husband - on the cover. It was all about the day, the dress, the jewels, the money spent on the party. Her bridesmaids got more coverage than the groom.
What's missing? Why am I so interested? Why do I even care to flip casually through these magazines, I wondered? And I yesterday when she announced her divorce, I was as guilty as anyone in reading articles on the demise, comment boards filled with "who cares?" and "no surprise!" messages.
Yet the same people watched her wedding special. Purchased the magazines featuring her on the cover. I was one of those people after all, I liked reading about the details and seeing the pictures too. So what's the problem? The thing is, society rewards this kind of behavior. It rewards the glamour and materialistic aspects of marriage. It focuses on the party, the amount of money spent, the size of the ring. And when things turn to divorce, no one acts surprised. Why buy into it in the first place? And why do we allow ourselves to feel like we should have the biggest of everything, as if that will make or break the union? To spend a fortune on a ring that you can't take with you. I'll admit there have been times I've worried about everything looking perfect. But I realized, just because something sounds perfect doesn't mean it is perfect. I already know a dozen people my age who are divorced.
I had a lightbulb moment (aha!) when I came to the realization that everyone should ask themselves before getting married: If getting married means no wedding, would I do it? No celebration, no white dress, no toasts, no flowers, no photographer. If it means signing a piece of paper down at City Hall and then going off and building a life together without any fanfare, just hard work. When you can say yes, I think you've found the right person.
My grandparents were married in a quiet ceremony, no diamonds, no glamour. And they were happily married for the rest of their lives, over 50 years, until my grandfather passed away. Those vows meant something to them, and I'm not saying they don't to everyone. But it's really, really tough. Good times and bad means after the photos are framed and the honeymoon ends and you're stuck with a mortgage and kids and not enough sleep and more than enough work to do, that you can look at each other and smile and still be best friends, still have that sparkle when you think about how you built your life together. That's what I saw in my grandparents. And that's what I want. And from this point forward, I resolve when the time comes, to keep perspective.
I'm not the expert - I'm not even married after all. But I see it everywhere, in all the bridal magazines and in coverage of pop culture events, that the obsession with weddings over marriage is the problem. And it's increasingly evident with high profile engagements, weddings, and divorces such as Kim Kardashian's. I'm not saying Kim Kardashian is blameless, nor am I saying she's a bad person, after all we all make our own choices and only we have to live with them. I'm also not saying that when the time comes, I won't be excited to plan all the details of my wedding and have one hell of a party. There's nothing wrong with envisioning a dream wedding and being excited to plan it. But the union is more important than the celebration.
A wedding is just a party.
This is great. Very well said.
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